EXPLOITED&DANGEROUS

This piece was written as part of a member battle with my friend and co-admin, Kher, on Stories. The prompt was “urban fantasy, theft, deals with a character who has a near-phobia of confronting people”. People quite enjoyed it; I won the battle, but Kher’s piece was really good as well. Anyway, here’s mine – bit of swearing in this ‘un. I’d also like to point out, right now, that Lucifier and Satan are two different people within this story. :P

I hate breaking into houses. On second thoughts, scratch that, it makes it sound like I do it regularly enough to be some twisted sick masochistic hobby that I continue to do because I get perverse pleasure out of how much I hate it. Uh, maybe I should just get on with this, right?

It isn’t some sort of hobby, but I’ve had to do it once or twice – maybe a few more than that, I don’t really keep track – in my life. I’m pretty good at it, ‘though, but then it’s hard not to be when you’ve got psychic powers and your best friend’s the Devil.

Actually, that’s a lie; my best friend’s Lucifer, and he’d like you to know he’s not the same as Satan.

What? No, I’m psychic, not psychotic. What do you know about the afterlife, anyway? Yeah, well, you’re wrong, okay? Come back and tell me when you’ve had communion with the beast and the morning star. Especially at the same time; all they do is bitch at one another.

Okay, okay, I broke into that house. I’ve broken into a few before, and no one’s ever noticed me, because I’m sneaky and sly and Luci’s always looking out for me, aren’t you, Luci? Oh, come on, you’re a paranormal being, it’s not like they can do anything to you. Fine, whatever. Sorry, guys, Luci doesn’t want to talk, and he doesn’t mind the nickname that much, honestly. You think I’d still be here if he did?

But, yeah, I broke into that house. Guess I wasn’t on my game that night, huh? Wouldn’t be here if I had been, but the honest truth is I was annoyed. Actually, no, I was downright pissed off.

It’s hard to be a psychic, you know? Actually, no, you wouldn’t, forget I said that. I mean, it’s pretty rare, we’re hardly even on document, so it’s not like we can just sign up for Psychic 101. When you figure out that something’s a little weird, you can’t just ignore it, either – you start hearing things that people haven’t said, start catching inanimate objects moving of their own accord, start remembering things that haven’t even happened yet – and then you realise it’s you that’s the problem.

It just escalates from there, believe you me. I don’t know who the most powerful psychic is ‘cause I couldn’t even find one; a lot of them are frauds, but I’m told there are some real ones out there. Don’t have the money or resources to find them, though, but I did have the money and resources to summon a great beast from the pit, and I ended up with Luci.

Yeah, yeah, you’re terrifying when you want to be, sure, but nobody’s afraid of a beautiful man except homophobes, Luci. I wasn’t implying you were gay! I was just making the point that you’re more attractive than you are scary. What? No! I don’t fancy you! That would be weird, man, you’re my best friend.

Anyway, Luci here – yeah, yeah, you can’t see him, I know – gave me this amulet in exchange for my soul. Sounds girly, doesn’t it? Well, it is a bit, but no one really seems to care, so whatever. Long story short is that we became really good friends, even though Luci likes to pretend we aren’t, but I’m the first person he’s ever met that doesn’t quail in fear or faun over his beauty – stop preening, man, you’re the watchful overlord of Hell, you’ve got a reputation – and can manage to hold a decent conversation, so he stuck around. He’s got stuff to do, but he comes and sees me fairly often.

Basically, I got mugged, and I was pretty pissed off because, spidey-sense and all – what? You don’t know who Spider-man is? Lame. Oh, shut up, Luci, you didn’t make a deal with Spidey, he’s a fictional character. Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by somebody, I got mugged despite everything I got going for me, but to be fair I’m a bit of a weakling. You guys didn’t have much trouble taking me in, did you?

I didn’t get beat up though! I’m way too easy to comply if I can see the benefit, and the benefit here was I was not going to get hurt and murdered if I just handed over my money and, hey, what’s that shiny thing around your neck? So this bastard got my amulet as well. Pretty sure it was the dustbins rattling that scared him, ‘cause he’d gone by the time they’d started floating.

Luci trailed him for me, and I guess he must have dampened my psychic outburst, too, but that’s Luci for you, always willing to help when he feels the need. We followed the guy to a pawn shop and he flogged the amulet, but I couldn’t get it back because he’d stolen all my money too, so we decided to break in. Okay, I decided to break in, but Luci helped me. He checked everything out, told me when the coast was clear and little bit of a telekinetic push, hey presto, I was in.

Breaking in is so much easier than just confronting people. No fighting, no pain, and no one even knows you were there. Just break in, take whatever they took, and take a little something else as, y’know, a reward for a job well done. A pat on the back. Like that extra punch. I knew this was going to be a breeze.

Only, y’know, someone had completely neglected to tell me that this guy who ran the pawn shop was some sort of crazy Chinese super monk who a) knew some crazy magic and b) was really good with a broomstick. There wasn’t even a battle, ‘cause the morning star’s a pretty shit weapon, if I’m honest – fuck you, Luci, you told me I was in the clear, when I clearly wasn’t, dipshit – and I didn’t even find the amulet before the crazy old man knocked me out and called you guys. I got a bad headache right know, y’know, but no, interrogation first, right?

So, yeah, that’s the crazy shit I do for fun, officer. I suppose you want to put me in the loony bin right about now, right? It’s not like I can prove Luci’s real, the smug bastard, but he sure as hell is.

Although I gotta say, for someone who clearly thinks I’m missing a few screws – but hey, who isn’t, right, Luci? – you’re clearly coping with this psychic stuff with the greatest of ease. Didn’t even realise I got this gun to your temple without you even batting an eyelid, did you?